From Shock to Acceptance: Breaking Down the 7 Grieving Stages
When you're struggling with loss, navigating the 7 grieving steps can feel overwhelming. These steps help map out emotions people often experience: Shock and Denial, Pain and Guilt, Anger and Bargaining, Depression and Loneliness, Upward Turn, Acceptance and Hope. While these steps aren't necessarily linear, they offer a framework to understand your journey.
Grief is a deeply personal process that impacts many aspects of life. Recognizing and acknowledging grief is crucial because it allows individuals to process their emotions, find necessary support, and slowly heal. Stay Here is committed to guiding individuals through these painful moments, providing practical mental health resources rooted in faith to foster hope and healing.
I'm Jacob Coyne, founder of Stay Here. With my experience in mental health and the 7 grieving steps, I strive to offer hope and assistance to those who need it most. My mission is to empower you with tools and support, reminding you that your story isn’t over yet.
The Origin and Evolution of the 7 Grieving Steps
The journey through grief is often complex and unique to each individual. The concept of grieving stages was first introduced by Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969. In her groundbreaking book, "On Death and Dying," Kübler-Ross identified five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Her work was initially focused on those facing terminal illness, but it quickly became a framework for understanding grief more broadly.
Over time, this model was adapted and expanded to encompass the 7 grieving steps. This updated model acknowledges the nuanced and non-linear nature of grief, adding stages to better capture the emotional complexities individuals face. The additional stages include Shock and Guilt, which help explain the immediate reactions and self-blame that often accompany loss.
Recent Additions
As our understanding of grief has evolved, so have these stages. Recent additions and adaptations aim to provide a more comprehensive view of the grieving process. For instance, the introduction of the Testing stage reflects the period where individuals begin to explore new ways to cope with their loss and start reconstructing their lives. This stage highlights the resilience and gradual adjustment that can occur as one steers through grief.
Grief is not a one-size-fits-all experience. While some might find solace in the structure of the 7 grieving steps, these stages are not prescriptive. People may experience them in different orders, skip stages, or revisit them over time. This flexibility is crucial, as grief can resurface unexpectedly, sometimes triggered by memories or significant anniversaries of the loss.
Understanding the origins and evolution of these grieving stages can provide valuable insights into the emotional journey many face after a loss. It also underscores the importance of compassion and patience, both for oneself and for others navigating this challenging path.
Shock and Disbelief
When a significant loss occurs, the initial reaction is often shock and disbelief. It's like your mind hits pause, trying to protect you from the overwhelming reality. This stage acts as an emotional buffer, giving you time to process the loss gradually.
Numbness
In the early moments of grief, you might feel numb. This is your body's way of shielding you from the intense emotions that come with loss. It's not uncommon to carry on with daily tasks as if nothing has happened. This numbness is a temporary state that gives you space to adjust.
Emotional Buffer
Shock serves as a protective mechanism. Think of it as your mind's way of saying, "Let's take this one step at a time." It's a crucial part of the grieving process, allowing you to slowly come to terms with the reality of the situation. During this time, you might feel detached or as if you're watching events unfold from a distance.
Initial Reaction
The initial reaction to loss can vary widely. Some people may cry, while others might feel unable to express any emotion at all. This stage can last from a few hours to several days, depending on the individual and the nature of the loss. It's essential to understand that there's no right or wrong way to react.
As you move through shock and disbelief, these feelings are a natural part of the grieving process. Allow yourself the time to gradually absorb the reality of your loss. The next stage—Denial—often follows, where the mind continues to protect by refusing to fully accept the situation.
Denial
Denial is like putting on emotional armor. It's your mind's way of refusing to accept the full weight of the loss. This stage acts as a shield, helping you cope with the reality that feels too harsh to bear.
Refusal to Accept
In this step, you might find yourself thinking, "This isn't happening." It's a common response after a loss, whether it's the passing of a loved one or the end of a relationship. You might catch yourself expecting to see the person again or thinking life will just go back to normal. This refusal to accept helps soften the initial blow.
Emotional Protection
Denial provides emotional protection. It allows you to gradually process the loss instead of facing all the pain at once. Consider it as your mind's way of saying, "Let's deal with this slowly." This mechanism can be helpful, giving you time to gather strength before confronting the full reality.
Gradual Acceptance
Over time, denial starts to fade. You might begin to acknowledge the loss in small ways. For example, you might start talking about the person in the past tense or begin sorting through their belongings. This gradual acceptance is a sign that you're starting to come to terms with the reality of your situation.
Denial is a natural part of the 7 grieving steps. It allows you to protect yourself from overwhelming emotions and helps you transition to the next stages of grief. As you move through denial, be patient with yourself. Acceptance will come, but it takes time. In the next stage—Guilt and Bargaining—you might find yourself asking "What if?" and seeking ways to regain control.
Guilt and Bargaining
Grief can bring a whirlwind of emotions, and guilt often tags along. This stage is where self-blame makes an unwelcome entrance. You start to think about what you could have done differently. It's as if your mind is searching for a way to change the past.
Self-Blame
In this stage, you might find yourself saying, "If only I had done this..." or "I should have been there." These thoughts can weigh heavily on your heart. It's common to feel responsible for things beyond your control. Grief can cloud your judgment, making it hard to see things clearly.
"What If" Scenarios
The bargaining stage often involves "What if" scenarios. This is when you start to negotiate with yourself or a higher power. You might think, "What if I had noticed the signs sooner?" or "If only I had called them that day." These thoughts are your mind's way of trying to make sense of the loss, searching for a way to undo it.
Seeking Control
Bargaining is also about seeking control. When faced with loss, everything can feel chaotic. Bargaining gives you a false sense of control over the uncontrollable. You might find yourself making deals, hoping to reverse the situation. This is a natural response to feeling helpless.
Guilt and bargaining are part of the 7 grieving steps. These feelings are normal, but they can be heavy. Allow yourself to feel them, but also remember to be kind to yourself. You can't change the past, but you can learn to live with it. As you move forward, you'll find ways to cope and adjust to your new reality. Next, we will explore the stage of Anger and Bargaining, where emotions might flare and questions seek answers.
Anger and Bargaining
When grief strikes, anger often follows. It's a natural reaction to feeling hurt and powerless. You might find yourself lashing out at people around you or even at the person you've lost. This anger is not just about being mad—it's about trying to make sense of the pain.
Directing Anger
Anger can be tricky. It often gets directed at those who aren't really to blame. You might feel mad at doctors, family members, or even yourself. It's a way of coping with the intense emotions boiling inside. Think of it as a mask hiding the deeper pain.
Example: After losing a job, you might say, "My boss never appreciated me anyway!" This is anger talking, trying to shield you from the hurt of feeling undervalued.
Seeking Reasons
In this stage, you start asking "Why?" and "How?" It's a desperate attempt to find a reason for the loss. You might think, "Why did this happen to me?" or "How could they leave me like this?" These questions, though painful, are part of trying to understand the chaos.
Example: After a breakup, you might think, "If they had just communicated better, we wouldn't be here." This is your mind's way of seeking logic in an illogical situation.
Emotional Release
Anger isn't just about feeling mad—it's about emotional release. Finding healthy ways to express this anger is crucial. Physical activities like running or even punching a pillow can help. Writing in a journal or talking to someone you trust can also provide relief.
The 7 grieving steps are not linear. Anger can come and go, sometimes mixed with other emotions like sadness or guilt. It's all part of the process. Allow yourself to feel anger without judgment, and know that it's just one step on the path to healing.
As we move through grief, we often find ourselves in a place of Depression, Loneliness, and Reflection. This stage can be deeply challenging, but it's also where the seeds of healing begin to grow.
Depression, Loneliness, and Reflection
After the storm of anger and bargaining, many find themselves in a place of deep sadness. This stage is often marked by a profound sense of loss and longing for what once was. It's a time when the reality of the situation truly sinks in, and the weight of the absence can feel overwhelming.
Deep Sadness
In this stage, sadness isn't just an emotion—it's a constant companion. You might feel like you're living in a fog, where everything seems dull and colorless. It's normal to experience symptoms like fatigue, changes in appetite, and trouble sleeping. These are all part of grieving, not signs of weakness.
Fact: According to the DSM-5, prolonged grief can become a disorder if it persists for over a year. This highlights the importance of recognizing when sadness might need professional attention.
Isolation
Isolation often creeps in during this stage. Even when surrounded by others, it can feel like no one truly understands your pain. This loneliness can be both a choice and a consequence, as you might withdraw to protect yourself or simply because social interactions feel exhausting.
Example: Sherene Strahan, who lost both parents within two years, described moments of feeling completely alone, even in the company of friends. She found solace in understanding that this isolation was a natural part of her grief journey.
Seeking Support
Despite the pull towards isolation, seeking support is crucial. Connecting with others who understand or simply being around loved ones can provide comfort. Support groups and community resources can offer a safe space to express feelings and share experiences.
Tip: Joining a grief support group can be incredibly beneficial. Organizations like The Compassionate Friends provide both online and local support for those who have lost a child, offering a sense of community and understanding.
Engaging in creative outlets like writing, painting, or music can also help process emotions. These activities allow for reflection and can be a way to honor the person or thing you have lost.
This stage, like all the 7 grieving steps, is not permanent. It is a part of the journey toward healing and acceptance. Allow yourself the space to grieve, and know that reaching out for help is a sign of strength.
Next, we'll explore how to begin Reconstruction and Working Through as you start to adjust to life after loss.
Reconstruction and Working Through
After experiencing the depths of sadness and isolation, the next stage in the 7 grieving steps is about rebuilding and adjusting to a life that looks and feels different. This phase is known as Reconstruction and Working Through. It's where you start piecing together a new normal and finding ways to cope with the changes.
Building a New Normal
In this stage, you're not forgetting the past but learning to live alongside it. It's about integrating the loss into your life and finding ways to move forward. You might start by reorganizing daily routines or taking on new responsibilities that were once shared with the person you lost. This can be challenging, but it's also a time to refind your strengths and capabilities.
Example: Nathan, who lost his partner, found that taking up new hobbies and interests helped him create a new sense of purpose. It was a way to fill the void and honor his partner's memory by living life fully.
Adjusting to Life
Adjusting to life without your loved one is not about erasing their memory but about finding a balance between honoring the past and embracing the future. This might involve practical steps like financial planning or even relocating to a new place that feels more manageable.
Tip: Setting small, realistic goals can make this transition smoother. Whether it's cooking a meal for yourself or going for a short walk, these achievements can build confidence and a sense of normalcy.
Finding Practical Coping Strategies
Coping strategies are essential in this stage. They help manage emotions and provide a sense of stability. Here are some practical strategies:
Express your emotions through writing or creative outlets. Journaling can be particularly therapeutic, allowing you to process thoughts and feelings.
Connect with others who understand your journey. Support groups or therapy can offer guidance and a sense of community.
Maintain a routine to bring structure to your days. This can include regular exercise, which is known to boost mood and reduce stress.
Seek professional help if needed. Sometimes, grief can be overwhelming, and a counselor or therapist can provide the tools to steer this complex process.
Quote: As one bereaved individual shared, "Grief is like a broken bone—it heals with time, but it requires care and attention."
By focusing on these strategies, you're not just surviving the loss but actively working through it. This stage is about acknowledging the pain while also recognizing the potential for growth and healing.
Next, we'll dig into the final stage of the grieving process: Acceptance, where you'll learn to accept a new reality and find joy in life once again.
Acceptance
Acceptance is the final stage in the 7 grieving steps. It's about embracing a new reality and finding a way to continue life with a sense of hope and joy. This stage doesn't mean forgetting your loss; it's about integrating it into your life in a way that allows you to move forward.
Embracing New Reality
In acceptance, you come to terms with the fact that life has changed. It's not about being okay with the loss but understanding that it is a part of your story. You start to see life differently and find a way to live with the absence.
Example: Sherene, who lost both parents within two years, describes her journey as learning to live with sadness while finding hope. She realized that she could honor her parents by living a life that they would be proud of.
Finding Joy Again
Refinding joy is a crucial part of acceptance. It doesn't mean you won't have moments of sadness, but it means you allow yourself to experience happiness again. This might come from reconnecting with old hobbies, spending time with loved ones, or simply appreciating small moments of beauty in everyday life.
Tip: Allow yourself to smile and laugh. It's okay to feel joy even amidst grief. These moments can be a tribute to the love you shared with the person you've lost.
Continuing Life
Continuing life involves re-engaging with the world around you. It's about finding a balance between honoring your loss and building a future. You may set new goals or pursue dreams that were once put on hold.
Quote: As one person put it, "Acceptance is not about moving on; it's about moving forward with the memory of those we've lost."
Acceptance is a journey, not a destination. It takes time and patience. But with each step, you begin to weave the loss into the fabric of your life, finding strength and resilience along the way.
Next, we'll explore some frequently asked questions about grieving to help you steer this complex process.
Frequently Asked Questions about Grieving
What is the difference between normal and complicated grief?
Normal grief is the natural process that follows a loss. It involves moving through the 7 grieving steps like denial, anger, and acceptance. While it's painful and can last a long time, people experiencing normal grief gradually begin to adjust and find a new way to live.
Complicated grief, on the other hand, is when these feelings don't ease over time. It can feel like you're stuck in a loop of intense sorrow and longing, making it hard to function in daily life. The DSM-5-TR even recognizes prolonged grief disorder as a condition that may require professional help.
If you or someone you know is experiencing symptoms of complicated grief, such as persistent feelings of hopelessness or inability to enjoy life, reaching out to a mental health professional can be crucial.
How can I support someone going through the grieving process?
Supporting someone in grief is about being there for them in practical and emotional ways. Here are some tips:
Offer a listening ear. Sometimes, just being there to listen can be a great comfort. Let them talk about their feelings or share memories.
Provide practical help. Instead of saying, "Let me know if you need anything," offer specific help like running errands or preparing a meal.
Validate their feelings. Grieving can be a long process. Reassure them that it's okay to feel sad, angry, or confused.
Encourage professional support. If they are struggling, suggest they speak with a counselor or join a support group.
Can grief resurge years after the loss?
Yes, grief can resurge even years later. This can happen due to triggers like birthdays, anniversaries, or hearing a particular song. It's normal to have these moments of renewed sadness.
Example: After losing her sister, Emily found that certain holidays brought back waves of grief. She learned to prepare for these times by surrounding herself with supportive friends and family.
Understanding that grief can be a lifelong journey helps in dealing with these unexpected emotions. It's okay to feel sad again, even if it's been years since the loss. Support and self-care are important in navigating these moments.
Next, we'll conclude with insights into the healing journey and how Stay Here offers support and resources for those affected by grief.
Conclusion
Grieving is a journey, not a destination. The path from shock to acceptance is filled with ups and downs, but it’s a journey we don’t have to take alone. At Stay Here, we believe that understanding and acknowledging grief is the first step toward healing.
Healing is not linear. You might find yourself revisiting stages, like anger or depression, even after you thought you had moved past them. This is normal. Grief can come in waves, and it's important to let yourself feel these emotions. Over time, you'll learn to integrate the loss into your life and find a new normal.
Stay Here is dedicated to supporting you through this challenging time. We offer a range of resources, including suicide prevention training, a 24-hour crisis chat line, and free therapy. Our mission is to create a suicide-free generation by equipping individuals, schools, and churches with the tools they need to support mental health.
If you're feeling overwhelmed, you are not alone. Reach out to friends, family, or professional help when you need it. Accept the support around you and take one step at a time. Our founder, Jacob Coyne, emphasizes the importance of hope and healing in his book, "Stay Here: Uncovering God's Plan to Restore Your Mental Health."
Your future is bright, and you are loved. The world is better with you in it, and your story isn't over yet. Let's take this journey together, one step at a time.
For more support and resources, visit our Stay Here page. Together, we can steer this path and find hope and healing.